#i also sometimes do this w radiohead even though i like radiohead

[zemnarihah]

no matter what in music tournaments i always vote against nirvana and green day regardless of my actual opinion or if ive even ever heard of the opponent bc lame tumblr users will vote for those bands in swarms and then it gets to the finals and they beat actual good bands that most of those ppl have never heard of

[moneymartin]

teen gf Shauna headcanons pleaseee

🐶 - losergf!shauna hcs

warnings: mostly fluff but a lil smut under the divider :p

a/n: i know u didn’t ask for loser but shauna shipman is soooo loser girlfriend u cannot tell me otherwise. kinda messy and trash… i’m so sleepy rn i’m writing this half awake nd lowk a lil drunk UGH

taglist: @deerlottie @ultrone

my brown eyed beautiful baby where do i even start.

def the most athletic yj i will stand by this till the day i die

MUSCLE MAMAAAA

rolls up the sleeves of her flannels so you can see her muscles pop 😮‍💨

not a gym freak though but she works her arms 100%

cuddlebug fosho

little spoon and you can argue with me about that all you want this girl loves to be held

when she big spoons though she’s burying your face into her chest all the time

she plays with your hair tho no doubt abt it

even when you’re cuddling her instead

super soft kisses all over you while you doze off

sleeps after you do just to make sure cause sometimes you end up sleeping a lil too hard and she needs to make sure you aren’t dead

well thats what she thinks.

wakes up early even though she sleeps the latest out of the both of you

when you sleep for way too long she ends up full on wrestling you until you wake up

music geek

she def loves the smashing pumpkins, radiohead, the cranberries, the cure, mazzy star, jeff buckley, pavement, the cardigans. artists and bands of that genre

had a walkman like nat’s that you guys share on walks together

also has a vinyl player that she keeps at hers so you could listen to music with her when you come over

writes about you in her journal while she listens to the music

also writes these cute little love letters for you and she’ll write what songs she listened to while writing

sleepovers all the time though she’s one of those girls

drives you all over the place too

no matter how far so that you know she truly loves you

she goes absolutely nuts when you’re wearing her clothes i fink

esp her flannels

the moment you’re seen wearing one she can only think about taking it off of you cause it looks so good 😞

loves when you wear her jersey too

or her letterman jacket

funny sock gal

wears the one w monster faces on em or something like that

south park socks… hmo

SMARTY PANTS

got accepted into brown for a reason

she’s always helping you with assignments in case they’re too hard

she runs through them so fast though it actually baffles you to how she can do it

book geek too

has probably read harry potter a million times

edgar allan poe is her main dude she def likes poems and stuff from him

genuinely has a momma instinct

before you even get sick she tells you to be careful with the cold

and you don’t listen.

so you do end up getting sick and she has to take care of you until you’re all better

babies you but is also teasing you cause you didn’t listen to her warnings about it 😭 she could tell beforehand that you were gonna get sick

unlike lottie i think shauna has the ability to cook and stuff like that

not a 5 star chef but she’s good enough for you

being touchy in her public is her thangggg

you guys are always touching somehow

pinky holding, interlocked arms, holding hands, her just grabbing your wrist. she’s always gotta hold you no matter whaaaat

not very possessive but definitely a jealous person

makes it known she’s jealous w her attitude

has those anger issues we all know it

is not afraid to make a scene in front of a bunch of people she will cuss someone out for even looking at you

but she’s just jealous cause she’s really insecure :( poor girl my god

she thinks that the people you talk to are better than she’ll ever be

you have to reassure her countless of times so she can feel better about herself cause she’s always questioning you abt it

she loves little make out seshes behind the bleachers

its def the thrill of being caught like she loves that so much ���

when she kisses you she isn’t rough i think she’s very gentle actually

caressing your jaw and cheeks so you know she’s there and its not just some dream 😭

loves sitting on your lap while kissing cause it makes her feel like she’s the one in charge

also cause your hands are always in the spots where she wants them without her having to ask

biting…

teeth marks EVERYWHERE!!!

dom fosho but that’s not relevant rn

during arguments this girl is ruthless

not because she wants to hurt you but it’s because she’s always bubbling up

bottles up everything cause she’s afraid people won’t listen to her

but she’ll apologize eventually after if it looks like whatever she said got to you

won’t mean anything she tells you she just gets so mad at everything cause she can’t express herself as well :(

she regrets it so fast too like she’s immediately saying sorry afterwards

def a lace girly

loves showing off her new sets for you…

red black and white are the favs

OUUHHH

whiny as fuck but also holds her noises in cause she thinks they’re embarrassing

PANTER AND GROANER FOR SUREEEE

switch i think

like if she really wanted to she could top you but she’d rather be a power bottom

have you ride her strap or whatever…

its blue.

loves when you eat her out though cause she gets to pull on your hair

makes you talk her through it and when you’re topping but when she tops shes SO bold

she loves when you praise her thats the only thing she wants to hear from you during it

makes you kiss around her tits for sure

thats where she always wants you to be

when she’s jealous you’re constantly asking if she’s okay which leads into an argument

meaning that it’ll probably lead into really hot angry sex from her

the car scene really spoke to me

initiates everything too

anyways i’m done i’m so tired

[punk-o-ween]

☆ ❝punk-o-ween's intro❞ ꩜ !! ☆

shoutout to my friend @wrestling-fiend for this gem

꩜☆ art tag | pinterest | airbuds | yt | spotify | prn page | main acc: @selfryed ☆꩜

motor-city-selfryed —> punk-o-ween —> alexshxlley —> louisiana-knight // #1 mcmg, drew mcintyre, and hesitant alien FREAK 👅👅👅👅 of the modern era trust me!!! (im insane) (dont debate me on this /j) (can rhey literally just hmu already IM KIDDINGGG)

 ֺ ָ   ֙⋆ 🐛 𓄹 ࣪ ִֶָ ࣪ ▸ ִֶָ 𖦹 ࣪˖ . ⊹ ֺ ָ   ֙⋆ 𓄹 ࣪ ִֶָ 🍎 ࣪ ▸ ִֶָ 𖦹 ࣪˖ . ⊹

☆ hiya, im zariah! (pronounced zar-e-ah) but you can call me zari or zee !! <3

[BASICS] -- ☆ they/she / artist / !!minor!! (so dont b weird) / eng-esp / insane mcmg, cm punk, hesitant alien, and aj styles enthusiast (going feral… mcmg and hes alien r my current hyperfixes !!!) / this is a wrestling/shitpost/multifandom/where i freak-a-deak sideblog - ryan & layla r my twins trust 🧃🐛 / i liveblog for mostly wwe and aew!! sometimes tna (and for the mcmg when i rewatch their matches) !

 ֺ ָ   ֙⋆ 🐛 𓄹 ࣪ ִֶָ ࣪ ▸ ִֶָ 𖦹 ࣪˖ . ⊹ ֺ ָ   ֙⋆ 𓄹 ࣪ ִֶָ 🍎 ࣪ ▸ ִֶָ 𖦹 ࣪˖ . ⊹

----☆ [THINGS TO NOTE] i use caps (lmk if this is annoying)!! i yap/ramble when i get excited / tone tags r appreciated !! / dni if ur a proshipper (mostly just ppl who ship incest/minor x adult). / even tho im a minor i say some crazy stuff HELPP (all jokes ofc). / adults r absolutely allowed to interact w me just know ur boundaries!! / i do like rpf (real person fiction) so if u dont like wrestlers shipped together (in kayfabw) then dont follow... / i also like calling my faves feminine things LMAO (the girls be fighting fr) !!

----☆ [INTERESTS] meteorology (insanely, specifically tornadoes and hurricanes), wrestling (ofc!!), gaming (dmc, mouthwashing, resident evil, splatoon, etc), music, art, movies, marvel/dc, starwars, arcane, musicals, history, physical media (im collecting vinyl!), astronomy + aliens, crafts

----☆ [BANDS/MUSIC] mcr, gerard way (solo), green day, stone temple pilots, the beatles, radiohead, queen, nirvana, the smashing pumpkins, and many more! i also love mitski and laufey <3 🍎

----☆ silly things/wrestling content/questions in inbox r hightly appreciated ... moots always welcomed to dm as well! adults though, only dm if i allow u to/know you extremely well // special shoutout to my friends,, specifically @fullcollapse-mp3 & @slut4ripleyz & @solitarypisces ,, u r all so amazing ^_^ !

thank u for reading !! 𝜗𝜚. ݁₊ goodbye, *mwah* and goodnight, BANG ! ☆

[okkalo]

hi!! congrats on 1k! ive been following you for a while on my main and i saw your event here on my writing acc:3 could i get a genshin matchup? heres my info!!

basics: hi my name’s aki!! im transmasc, have been since i was like, 11.im also gay.  i listen to vkei, punk and silly rock bands(ex. weezer). i love dogs and seals like sm i cant explain. my clothing style is kinda like..idk how to explain.

personality: intp-t gemini and PROUD💪💪 im very silly online but kinda introverted f2f. i take shelter in my online self a lot. i have ocd and am a BIG perfectionist and overachiever. required amount of sentences is 15? watch me do 30+. you want “just a few” artist recommendations? here have 10 with descriptions and song recs. i live off academic praise. i can switch to “straight A kid” to burnt out emo on tumblr. im def a quality time, phys touch and gifts kiddo. i crochet so like 70% of the gifts i give out are silly keychains. i tend to bottle up my feelings and sometimes just burst out like crazy. i used to do muay thai to help w that but my coach disappeared(literally)

appearance: im around 5’10, proud filipino but so many people say i look japanese☹️. i have light brown skin and eyebags. im kinda skinny but i play basketball and workout so im kinda like,, idk..i got arm muscles, just a lump though. i have black hair, like in the appearance above. i usually wear vkei makeup, not too much though sometimes it makes me look fem. i have fairly long eyelashes(i hate them). i dont have piercings, sadly, but i swear ill get some soon(its been 6 years since i first said “im gonna get piercings”) i also have those bayonetta glasses. 

music and interests: i listen to artists like the gazette, dir en grey, kamijo, mejibray nd more!! i also listen to bands like smashing pumpkins, le tigre, foo fighters, deftones, mcr, radiohead, alice in chains, misfits and weezer(so weezy) i had a BIG grunge phase. i love rainy sundays!! i am literally the biggest halloween fanatic ever. once me and my old lover pulled up in a matching viktor and corpse bride costume i loved it. as mentioned earlier i play basketball and crochet, i also play the guitar!

clothing style: very vkei vampirey stuff..kinda punk too but idk. i live in the philipines so layering is like throwing myself in a desert. some people call me a goth and i js stare at them like “nuh uh”. i wear a lot of accessories nd stuff. bat hairpins<33 

thanks!! sorry if this was a pain to read,, :<

hi aki! thanks for following me even through my hiatuses 🫶 and no worries ur matchup was fun to read!! u did have me very confused who would be a good matchup for u, however, so i hope u like who u got 🫶🫶 thank you for the request

ps. i have also been wanting more peircings on my ears (maybe a nose one too) but also haven’t gotten any so u are not alone

𝗶 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗮 𝗰𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗯𝗲 𝗮 𝗳𝗮𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗲 ₊˙♡﹗

𝗸𝗮𝗹𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵𝗲𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 : tighnari from genshin

tighnari is an overachiever just like you! though, he knows when to draw the line so that he doesn’t get too exhausted. he would definitely try to draw a line for you, as well! that, and he knows how to give praise when it’s needed! he’ll always try to make sure you know how well you’re doing while also trying to keep you safe from a burnout!

he once considered handing out your crochet keychains to fellow forest rangers. he thought it would be an additional nifty way to scout out fellow forest rangers. though, whether he went through with it all decided on how you responded!

whenever someone misidentifies you as japanese or any other race you will always see tighnari’s ears twitching from annoyance. he’ll oftentimes be able to hold himself back from correcting the person right away, though not all the time. when it comes to your style, however, he’ll always go on a tangent about how you are not goth to provide you support as well.

tighnari is also very introverted as well and lives for his alone time, which he still considers to be with you on some occasions. he’ll love to hear your guitar during these times. i also head canon that he would be so interested in learning crochet for himself as well! so, if you would, please teach him!

[himbo-only-zone]

Can you do Rantaro fluff alphabet?

rantaro amami || fluff alphabet

Me? Getting a post out? Woah- /lh. Anyway, of course I can! Here ya go! Sorry if it's out of character, I've never written for him before! I'm glad I was able to, though!

- Mod Anna

a. attractive. what does he find attractive about you? he loves your hands, they fit perfectly in his. he'll kiss you knuckles happily before dragging you on, another adventure to pursue. he's excited to be anywhere with you, and knowing that you're holding his hand, by his side? that's amazing.

b. baby. would he like a family? he would! i can see him wanting to show a kid the world, point out cool things in pictures, telling wild stories about what happened while he was there. he wouldn't mind taking them on trips as well!

c. cuddle. how does he cuddle? he's usually the big spoon, and he loves you facing him. he's pretty protective, a hand usually pressed against your lower back and a soft kiss on your forehead. he's very gentle and loving with this sort of thing.

d. dates. what are dates with him like? usually you're doing something different that you haven't done before, dates are never the same. he likes to be spontaneous, but also have a little bit of an idea of what's going to happen. he likes to keep you completely in the dark, though, having you play guessing games, although he wouldn't tell you even if they're correct.

e. everything. what are you to him? (ex. you are my _____) you're his favorite adventure. out of everything he's done, everywhere he's been, the greatest adventure of all was finding out about you and learning every little thing that he's come to love.

f. feelings. when did he know he was in love? you two were on an adventure, and you were a bit scared of something, whether it be the bugs or the night. he held you close and said that you didn't have to do this for him, but you shook your head. you were dedicated, and wanted to be with him no matter what, even during a small adventure. that was enough.

g. gentle. is he gentle with you? he's pretty gentle, holding your hand with a tight enough grip not to hurt you, kisses just firm enough, and hugs just warm enough. he's very careful. he loves you more than anything, and he thinks about your well-being all the time.

h. hands. how does he like to hold hands? he likes your fingers interlocked. it doesn't have to be tight, it can even super loose. just as long as your hands are touching, he knows you're safe, and that's all he wants to know. he loves pressing kisses to your knuckles.

i. impression. what was his first impression of you? he saw that you had an interesting personality, that would match well with his own. he saw a possible future, and wanted to pursue it. he didn't waste too much time asking you out, but he did get to know you a little first.

j. jealousy. how often does he get jealous? he is a very chill person in general, so it's very unlikely that he'd get jealous. there is the occasional moment, but it's far from often. he refuses to show it, not wanting it to interrupt your relationships with other people. he wants you happy. you'll notice the little things soon, however.

k. kiss. how does he kiss? who initiated the first kiss? he's an amazing kisser. the kisses are firm, yet soft and sweet. they show his passion for you. it's always accompanied by a hand on your lower back, and the other gently cupping your cheek. to break it, he often smiles into it and stares into your eyes.

l. love. who says "i love you" first? he does. it's done when you two are on the way home from some date, his hand on your knee as he drives. at a stop light, he looks over at you and just smiles. “damn, i love you. a lot,” he says, taking your hand and kissing your knuckles.

m. memory. what's his favorite memory with you? every one. he takes pictures of every date, every little thing you two do together. he loves every moment he spends with you, and he cherishes it more than anything. all the memories with you fill him with more joy that you'd expect.

n. nickel. how much does he spend on you? well, you two share most of your money so it can go towards trips and stuff, but he makes sure to spend more than you do. you don't deserve to pay that much, he was the one who took you on all of this. he also buys you surprise souvenirs.

o. orange. what color reminds him of you? purple. it represents mystery in his eyes, and he likes to explore mystery with you. hand in hand, exploring the world together.

p. pet names. what pet names does he use? more often than not, he uses babe. it's classic, and it gets the point across. but he loves throwing in the occasional love, dear, or prince/princess. he loves seeing your reaction, it's his favorite.

q. quaint. what's a non-modern thing he does? he scrapbooks. y'know how all of his moments with you are special, and he takes pictures? all of those pictures are in a scrapbook. all of those little details are put in there, journal entries of the fun things, little pieces of leaves found where you were ... it's beautiful.

r. rainy days. what does he do with you on a rainy day? you two aren't able to get out, so the day is mostly spent laying on the couch and watching tv. you two need to rest sometimes, all of the adventuring gets tiring after a while. he has an arm tightly wrapped around you, pressing a kiss against your temple.

s. sad. how does he cheer you up? he insists on laying down with you and letting you vent about what's going on. he's stroke your cheek with one hand and hold your other one tight, listening to your every word. he wants to see you happy. you're amazing to him.

t. talking. what does he like to talk about? he likes learning about what makes you you. like your childhood, your parents, siblings if you have any. it makes him smile, knowing that you had an interesting past, no matter what it will be. and yes, he will be asking your parents for baby pictures.

u. unencumbered. what makes him relax? he likes taking soothing nature walks. he wants a house near the woods so that he can go out and relax if needed. he likes taking you with him, enjoying a comfortable silence together. it makes him feel a lot better.

v. vaunt. does he show you off? you two are a pretty loving couple in general, so yes? he doesn't really do it intentionally, but if he catches someone staring, he'll smirk happily and pull you a little closer. a quick kiss to the forehead, and he'll walk away with you in his arms. he's so happy with you.

w. wedding. when, how, and where does he propose? he would want something simple, but at a really nice place. on the top of a mountain, the view absolutely beautiful. he pulls out a ring with is extremely simple, maybe one small diamond, but it holds so much meaning. “s/o ... you know i love you. most of what i would say would be me repeating myself over and over again, but ... being your husband would be the best adventure of my life. will you marry me?”

x. xylophone. what song reminds him of you? what's your theme song? honeypie by jawny reminds him of you! your them song is desert island disk by radiohead!

y. yes. does he think about proposing to and marrying you? he would love that! going on adventures with his wife/husband/life partner? being able to call you that to people when asked? god, it'd make him feel like the best man in the world. he loves you more than anything.

z. zebra. if he could have a pet, what would he get? from such an adventurous man, you'd expect something exotic, right? hell no, he would be insistent on getting a big dog. he loves big dogs. and they're his best friend. no questions asked.

[peachesandmilktea]

yo my name is chana i'm 18, i'm half israeli and part white with chinese (yeah weird mix ik). i have short curly blonde hair that is constantly in my face with freckles and moles all over my body. my skin tone is a lil dark brownish-yellow. i be around 5'2, but i am pretty buff, i got alotta loose skin from all the weight i've lost tho. don't even get me on all the stretch marks i have from going from fat to beefy. i got broad shoulders and big thighs cuz 💯m u s c l e 💯. ig i got a pretty big rack i think i'm an f cup last time i checked (i've been on estrogen for a while cuz of my PCOS, so they have grown a l o t.) i have green eyes but i'm legit fuckin blind in one 😂.

tbh i'm mostly deaf so i'm pretty fuckin loud without meaning to be, i can read lips tho so that helps me understand ppl. i have a rlly loud laugh and my bestie loves it, so i love it. (even tho i get weird looks from random ppl.) i'm mostly quiet cuz idk how to talk to ppl, ig it's cuz i'm autistic, i do get overstimulated a lot so my mechanism is ✨h i d i n g✨. i will legit hide under a fuckin table in any place if things get to overwhelming. physical touch like hugging or just petting my head will calm me down eventually tho. sometimes i have to be put in a special hold made to calm down ppl with autism.

yelling also triggers me for some reason which i will most likely yell back or rare times. w a l k t f a w a y. i may not stand up for myself but when it comes to my siblings you betcha ass i will die for them hoes. me and my youngest bro be rlly close. like he calls me lion mom. he be doin that shit since he could talk 😭. my ideal date is rlly quality time, i don't give a shit where the date is, as long as they're payin attention to me i'm on cloud nine. my fav song either has to be yellow by Coldplay or creep by Radiohead. i rlly don't have a preference for gender as long as they accept me for who i am, i will love them unconditionally 😤💯.

for the nsfw shit, i mean i never have control in my life so ig i'm a dom??? cuz i feel like i legit have control over some fucking thing. i low key have a breeding kink 😔. i mean i may be a dom but i'm rlly a soft dom i'm pretty vanilla like i love to praise, be praised, and take care of my S/O. yeah i'll let them top if they want to but i will still be in control idgaf.

THIS IS A COMMISSION.

I match you with...

Megumi!

Some would say it's because opposites attract, others would say that Megumi is simply drawn to people who are loud. He doesn't think that's all there is to it, though. As much as he likes hearing you laugh, letting the loud sound of it echo through his ears like the sweetest song he's ever heard, that's but a small raindrop of a reason drowned in the storm of his feelings towards you. Because it does feel like a storm, like a hurricane, a natural disaster that he didn't see coming and that he can't stop now, especially because he doesn't even want to. You complete him in a way he would never have expected before meeting you, and how could he part from you now? The red threat of fate binds you to him, tightening around his heart like a leash, but he doesn't mind it, not when your presence is the only thing that truly makes him feel peaceful in this world. And he'll make sure he's your peace too, soothing you with calm, sweet words whenever you feel overwhelmed, passing his lean fingers through your hair and kissing your forehead until he feels your heartbeat steady under his touch.

Dates with him are simple, but mainly because he doesn't see the need in focusing on anything else but you. Soft, rare, lazy afternoons spent side by side, the taste of your favorite drink on your lips as he kisses you again and again, sweet evenings taking a stroll together as the sun comes down, your hand safely tucked in the warmth of his and his thumb softly stroking your palm, sleepless nights lying next to each other, whispering secrets in the moonlight pouring through an open window. He treasures each second spent by your side and treats you like you're the most precious thing he's ever laid eyes on. And, after all, the only place that feels like home to him is wherever he's with you.

He'll let you take any control you want in the bedroom; the only thing he wishes to do is kneel at your feet and worship the marvel that you are. No matter how strong of a sorcerer he normally is, a shy blush still dusts over his cheeks whenever you praise him, and he's quickly craving for it, yearning for any gentle word that softly falls from your lips. He's so grateful for each one of your touches that make him see a glimpse of heaven, and he'll thank you for them, thank you for your attention, thank you for making him feel so good, thank you for allowing him to breed you and fill you with his cum whenever you make him topple over the edge of yet another too intense orgasm. Thank you, he'll murmur in your ear whenever you're done, brushing a strand of her away from your face, thank you so much.

[bravomckenzie]

fluff alphabet: bobby mckenzie

i must admit that i haven’t written anything fic-ish since i was a teenager in the midst of my 1d stan days so i’m kinda nervous to post this lol. thank you to @ravena-dottir and @therealityofthematteris for being supportive and saying i should go ahead and go for it and post this. 🥺 also i’m sorry if it’s bad!! be gentle with me!!! it’s also pretty long and whether that’s a good or bad thing is up to you hahahah.

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

Bobby loves the way you light up a room. He loves the way your eyes crinkle when you smile. How your laughter is loud and unapologetic - it’s music to his ears. As for your body, he loves every inch of it but if he had to pick, your thighs & butt.

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

Bobby can’t wait to have kids, especially with you. He’s excited to send them special baked treats in their lunches and to wave them off as they get on the bus each morning. He hopes they look like you.

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

We been knew Bobby loves to be little spoon, so besides that - He loves to face each other in an embrace. His arms wrapped around your neck and yours around his waist while you scratch his back & chat until you both drift asleep.

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

Despite waking up beside you every morning, Bobby never stops trying to woo you. He still flirts with you the way he did on the first day in the villa. He feels like the luckiest man alive to have you, and he’ll do anything to keep you. The romance is still alive, no matter where you are or what you do. From wearing your nicest clothes in a fancy restaurant, all the way to your pajamas on the couch for a movie night. He never fails to impress you.

E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…))

You are my home. Bobby had never known someone who felt like home... at least until he met you. Home is wherever he is with you. You’re his comfort and home base, where he goes when he needs a soft place to fall.

F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

Bobby knew he was in for it the second he laid eyes on you. He felt a spark before you even spoke. He knew you were special from the moment he met you. You slowly became the only thing he thought about. He found himself just staring at you, lost in your beauty. Your laughter became his favorite song. He wasn’t joking around and being funny for everyone anymore, he was doing it for you. After you left for Casa Amour, he realized that. He realized you were all he wanted. He missed just the sound of your voice. He had never felt that way in his life. He knew then that you were the love of his life. Bobby didn’t come to the villa with the intentions of finding forever, but he realized he had found it with you.

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

Bobby’s gentle touch was something you quickly noticed about him. The way his hand would gently rest on the small of your back. How he would softly tuck your hair behind your ear before he kissed you. But sometimes, he gets lost in you and the kisses become harder, the grips become tighter. He’s the best of both worlds.

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

If Bobby is able to be touching you, he will be. (That’s one of my headcannons for him. I imagine that touch is his love language.) He rarely lets go of your hand in public. He loves for everyone to see that you’re with him. He finds comfort in your fingers intertwined. He loves the way your hand looks in his.

I = Impression (What was their first impression?)

When you walked out in front of him on that first day in the villa, he assumed he was your last choice. You were the most beautiful person he had ever seen and he was just him. He didn’t know that he instantly caught your eye and sometimes, he still doesn’t believe you when you tell him that. You’re not just the girl of his dreams, but the girl of his wildest dreams. He thought that girls like you didn’t like guys like him. He was just the class clown and you were the head cheerleader. But at the same time, he wasn’t going to let any of that stand in his way. He knew then that he was going to spend that summer with you, and if he didn’t, he would’ve spent the whole summer trying.

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

Not at all. Bobby enjoys other guys looking at you. He knows that every eye is on you when you walk in a room and he loves it. He wants them to see that he’s the one you’re with. Other guys flirting with you boosts his ego. He takes it as a compliment himself. When the two of you are out at a bar together and guys send you drinks, he looks their way and raises the glass with a smile to say thanks before drinking it himself. When they compliment you, he tells them they have good taste while he wraps his arm around you as a subtle hint to back off. It amuses him. Any guy would love for you to be their girl, but you’re not. You’re his and he knows that... and he loves for them to know it too.

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

You initiated your first kiss, not because he didn’t want to, but because he was scared of messing up. He didn’t want to screw it up before he got a real chance at impressing you. He was surprised when you kissed him, in the best way possible. Your confidence and boldness impressed him. He had always been in control and setting the pace for the relationships he had in the past, it was new and foreign to him, but above all, it was exciting.

L = Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

He did. Bobby is the kind of person who is all or nothing. He dives in deep. He gives everything his all. He also sees no reason to ever not be 100% open and honest with the important people in his life. He had to tell you that he loved you. He needed you to know, no matter how nervous he was to finally tell you.

M = Memory (What’s their favourite memory together?)

In the villa, Bobby’s favorite memory with you is your trip to the grocery store. He was so excited to be in the real world with you. He cherishes that first taste of life outside the villa. It was when he really knew that this wasn’t just a summer fling.

Outside the villa, the day you met his family. He had never seen his parents welcome anyone the way they did you. Bobby had only ever brought one other girl home to meet his parents and it didn’t go well. You both were a little nervous (not that he let you see it) considering that and some of your....shenanigans they had to watch on national television. You weren’t sure what they’d think of you. The way they wrapped you in their arms made you feel silly for ever thinking that though. He’ll never forget the pride he felt when his dad commented that you were even better in person than you were on TV or the sound of his mom’s voice telling him that she knew you were the one from the very first day in the villa.

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

Bobby isn’t concerned with material things, neither are you. Your love languages are far from gifts. You both tend to show your love through touch, but especially Bobby. A hand on your thigh in the car means more to both of you than a bracelet. But when it is time for gifts, the both of you go all out. Neither of you have to tell the other what you want as gifts because you both just know.

O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?)

Bobby if he could only pick one, he would say the color yellow because to him, it’s the happiest color. But there isn’t anything in this world that doesn’t make him think of you. You’re every color.

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Lass, of course. There’s an occasional sprinkling in of things like baby/babe, beautiful, darling, etc.

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

If he’s not building blanket forts in the living room with you, you’re cuddled up on the couch watching something together while you wait for whatever he’s got baking in the kitchen to be ready.

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

Bobby firmly believes that laughter is the best medicine. When you’re down, he’s quick to find something to make you laugh. You do the same for him. You both always forget what it was that upset you in the first place.

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

Bobby wants to talk about anything and everything. He wants to know your opinion on everything under the sun (and you’ll give it to him!). He asks you random questions seemingly out of the blue. He wants to know everything there is to know about you. He loves hearing your stories as much as you do his.

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

Cooking and baking! You can always find him in the kitchen at the end of a stressful day. Those previously mentioned shenanigans help too.

V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

You. you, you, you... a million times you. You’re his proudest achievement. He’s no stranger to PDA. Like I said, he wants everyone to know that you’re his. He knows they want what he has. Besides that, he loves to show off his baking skills. He’s always doing the most and being extra about his creations, just because he can.

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?)

That next summer after the villa, you and the other islanders planned a group vacation. You wanted to spend at least part of the summer with them again for old times’ sake. He knew he wanted to do it then, in front of all the people who had become like your family in that one summer. They were the people who watched the two of you fall in love and he felt it was only right that they be there when he proclaimed his eternal love for you.

X = Xylophone (What’s their song?)

Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur & New Year’s Day by Taylor Swift

bonus: Creep - Radiohead always makes him think of you! also shameless self promo of my bobby playlist which includes all three of these songs lol

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

You and Bobby talk about your wedding constantly, planning long before he technically proposed.

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

A rescue dog! A medium to large sized pup. You’re definitely dog people. I imagine it would be a cute and scruffy mixed breed.

[tylerwritez]

7:45 p.m. Sunday June 20th

Okay well... writing about the entirety of my day is gonna be. Quite the task.

Whatever. I'm dedicated to making this blog A Thing.

Today was Father's Day, so the first thing I did was get up and go downstairs. Gave my dad his presents. He made us pancakes. (I definitely ate too much today... but tommorow is monday so itll be easier to restrict)

We are, watched youtube, then we drove to Wabuman Lake. Idk,, the drive was just that: a typical car ride in which I struggle to find "car friendly" songs, aka songs that everyone will like... aka anything but metal and vocaloid... aka Radiohead, Weezer and Soda Stereo XD

When we got there, we rented a yellow paddleboat, which is this clunky plastic boat that you pedal to move, like some weird water bicycle. It was sunny, and honestly? I've always found being on the water to be calming. After that, we got ice cream (I got Blueberry Cheesecake flavour, my sister R got Cookies N Cream, and my dad got Burgundy Cherry)

I noted that there were at least 2 historical buildings there, along with... I forgot what I was gonna say. Nothing important.

Oh yeah, lots of cool old shiny cars.

We drove back. Got home, exhausted. I cleaned a bit. Idk. Didnt do much until after supper. Since we had fast food for lunch, we only ate a piece of bread and fruit smoothies for supper. We went out, I got a monster XD even tho my parents told me not to...

I got home, took a shower. While I was in the shower my dad got pissed at me for eating some of his chocolate but HE WAS SO SO SO MAD I was thinking to myself he cant be this mad over some choclate but you never know with my parents... they kinda hate me but also dont at the same time it's weird and hard to navigate.

Anwyays when I went downstairs he just. Seemed to have forgotten it ever existed and I mean, if he didnt mention it I wasn't gonna either. I did some homework then "went to sleep" aka went to my room, turned off the light, and pretended to sleep but actually talked to people online

People keep inviting me to hang out with them and I just hope my parents say yes to it all...

My friend Bee on Tuesday, Jay on Wednesday, on Saturday a group picnic...

If they say no to any of this I'll cry /hj

My talk with Jay tonight: I want to fuck him again RIGHT NOW. GET IN MY FUCKINF BED. RIGHT NOWWWW ugh. But also I noticed that since I explained one of my tone tags to him... HE USED ONE IN CONVO WITH ME. And idk. That made me so happy? I dont  know. I like how he proves consistently and constantly that he CARES about being considerate and cares about me.

That's a lot of the letter C but yeah.

And he said at some point that he missed

My body... and my shitty nerd gaming stuff and like. Omg he LIKES MY INTERESTS. I DIDNT BORE HIM TALKING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS AND VIDEO GAMES! SCORE. also he said he'd be down to cuddle without fucking which is. Great too... since I'm touchstarved and well... I call him Daddy. Nuff said.

As for Star... sometimes she just says shit that concerns me like it's nothing and I never know how to respond because I cant help her! I'm not a fucking mental health professional.

... when I told her mY shit she wasnt one either... why do I even try n help. Why dont I just tell her to go to therapy?

I'm angry at her a bit actually. She says shit like "haha just purged" and I'm like.... okay??? What do u want me to say to that.

Or like,,, I NEED TONE TAGS, OKAY??? I DO. this is mainly why I'm mad. She keeps making jokes without /j and I dont register them as jokes.... or maybe they aren't jokes at all and she just says they're jokes cos I get upset.

Sometimes instead of actually telling me how she feels, she uses this emoticon and... I dont understand what shes tryna tell me. And it keeps stressing me out. Idk. I told her look I dont understand it and she said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon" and like...

She tells me all the time no ur not overreacting dont let people tell you that you are and here she is. Telling me I'm overreacting. OUCH. THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY IRL. STOP INVALIDATING MY FEELINGS PLEASE.

It actually  hurt me. Like I'm fr crying right now because. Ouch. How hard is it to just put a fucking "/j" after ur words? How hard is it to... use words and explain how u feel instead of giving me a straight faced emoticon. Its frustrating.

Also she keeps saying shit like "omg ur never horny what's wrong w u omg I'm the only one with a sex drive in this relationship how come u never initiate anything I need to fuck someone maybe *sends pic of model* maybe her" which like. A) is ignoring all the times I DID initiate stuff and B) makes me feel inadequate and like. I dont know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.

:/ I cant really be mad at her for my own brain being stupid.

Why am I so stupid? How come I never understand when people are joking? How come I have these weird things I do to feel comfortable? Why do I twitch and flap my wrists? Why is my ability to sleep restricted by the amount of weight on top of me (I need lots of weight)?

Why am I the worst person ever? I'm being 100 percent serious. My brain doesnt work! It doesnt. My emotions are too strong. They fuck everything up. I hate myself. Like, when Star said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon", I started crying. But when Jay said "I always want you to feel comfortable around me", I immediately felt such love toward him and I told him I love you... but I had to say it was as friends. Cos we have a "friends with benefits" thing going on... not even an actual relationship.

Well now I'm sad that he doesnt like me romantically but whatever. Hes too perfect and sweet anywayssss he deserves better than me.

Wait. Where does that leave me?

Alone? Again?

Alone?

ALONE????

Maybe I deserve it... but I actually genuinely cant live like that. I cant. I cant live. Without love. My parents fucked me up like that 🤪

But also I realized that I'm a lot happier in good relationships where people show me they love me and care about me and such.

FUCK JAY JUST TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME... even if it's just as a friendship thing.... I appreciate it so much. Hes so fucking sweet it hurts. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO SO MUCH. he told me, our sex can be rough but our relationship has to be built off trust and respect... LITERALLY FUCK ME RIGHT NOW.

Update we are now officially "best friends forever" but we also kiss and fuck and cuddle okay. That's a thing. I LOVE HIM. it's okay though. I don't know I said yeah let's be bffs then I physcially cringed. It's okay though. I'll be fine. It functions as a sexy romance thing anwyays.

I love him so much. Hes the best. Fucking hell. Hes the kindest person ever.

Also can Star please stop fucking with me. She said she'd stop using the emoticon and I said "thanks" and then she used a weird emoji to react to my thanks because she wanted to "acknowledge that she read my message without liking it".... oh so you dont like it??? What??? I said "okay" and she was like "yikes, you upset?" And I said idk cos I am but whatever and she USED ANOTHER SFUPID DUCKINF EMOTICON THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND WITH THE WORD OKAY OMFG. OMFG. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANDS. OH MY GODDDD. I'm angry.

Fucking hell. I just wish... whatever.

If Jay liked me ROMANTICALLY as well...  perfect life.

Whatever.

My parents have fucked me up really badly. I know so. Today I saw a comic where a kid started crying while getting yelled at and their mom HUGGED THEM. Omfg. If I cry when my parents yell at me they just yell more. The best thing I can do is stay quiet. Fucking hell. Fuck. I wish I got hugged. When I was upset.

Its 1:03 am. Fuck all this emotional turmoil I'm SLEEPING. Fuck this. FUCK MY PARENTS, FUCK STAR, FUCK MOVING AND FUCK SCHOOL. And FUCK STAR.

[outrotearbias]

@mccnhild tagged me in a few tags and 1) thank you!!! 2) since i’m apparently incapable of not talking abt myself on all platforms including what was meant to be a thirst blog for bts, but i haven’t actually like. said any concrete facts about myself lmao i figured i should actually talk about myself on here?? so this is a good opportunity to do that

uh well the first one is the bias selfie tag and everyone else might be cute enough to do that but i would honestly rather swallow a bee whole than directly compare myself to yoongi LIKE. i just. no. so i’ll just post a selfie. i almost never take pictures of myself so i really did not have much to choose from, ignore the janky lipstick and extremely yellow light lmao. i took these on the night that i went to go see burn the stage and YES i looked and felt extremely out of place #armysneedgothrepresentation

hate that these are so large but idk how to work tumblr despite having it since 2010

“get to know me” tag:

Nicknames/Pet names:  literally so boring lmfao, just em or emmy (although if you do call me emmy and you’re not a close family member i will be legally obliged to murder you). my grandma calls me milunia sometimes which is like a polish nickname for emily i think? that’s probably my only nickname that i actually like the sound of

Zodiac: this might get me killed for admitting this on tumblr dot com but i could literally care less about astrology. i’m a taurus but i don’t rly identify w it or care

Height: like 5′3.75 and yes i’m pretentious for not just saying 5′4 but that’s my truth

Last Movie: i literally never watch movies uhhh i think the last one was venom? i hate marvel movies normally but i will literally endure anything for tom hardy

Last Thing I Googled: "movies 2018″ bc i knew the last movie i watched was pretty recent but i couldn’t remember it lmfao

Favorite musician: radiohead, city and colour, alexisonfire, daughter, and this group that’s called bts i think??? 

Songs Stuck In My Head: desire by ateez, their new album BANGS and this song in particularly is so catchy 

Other Blogs: @thedalishelves is my main and @calebandnott is my semi/mostly-inactive critical role blog. i’ve had like a billion others but those are the ones that are (ostensibly) active

Do I Get Asks?: i used to a lot but all of the blogs i got a lot of asks on are either deleted or i don’t use them much anymore. i do kinda miss it sometimes but also now no one asks me to diagnose them or tells me their trauma in detail so it’s a toss up really

Dream Trip: i have a phobia of traveling lmfao so it’s more about who i’m with rather than the destination? like i don’t really care at all about seeing new places, more about just being with someone that i like away from daily life for a bit. that being said i do wanna go to paris before i die. also italy and poland to like. connect w my ancestry or w/e lmfao

Amount of Sleep: when i just let my body do its thing (which has been almost all the time lately as i don’t have classes any more and my job has irregular hours) i naturally sleep for abt 9-10 hours. and yes that’s a lot and YES it sucks

Lucky Number: i mean it’s not lucky but i have a Thing abt the number 3 in certain situations

What I’m Wearing: sweats and hoodie bc i’m at home and if u wear anything other than comfy clothes at home. i have nothing to say to u

Favorite food: don’t rly have one atm

Dream job: english professor!!! i’m nearly half way through my phd so. almost there! (if any jobs ever open up 💀💀💀 might get to fulfill this dream in about 40 years or so)

Play any instruments:  i used to play the piano and the baritone (lmfao) but i’ve long abandoned them

Languages: obvs english, EXTREMELY bad french that i can passably read, sort of write, almost completely cannot speak and definitely cannot understand. also i took a year of arabic during my undergrad but i only remember how to kind of read the alphabet. and i have a pretty sizable polish vocabulary (considering i don’t speak it) but absolutely do not know ANY grammar, so the best i could do is throwing random polish words into english sentences. so. basically just english and reading in french

Random fact: *vegan voice* HI I’M A VEGAN

15 questions tag:

Are You Named After Someone: yeah emily brontë bc my mom loved wuthering heights lmfao. in hindsight.. really indicative of how my life would turn out (both in the whole ‘i love reading and i’m doing an english phd’ thing and also the gothic tragic horror lmfao)

When was the last time you cried: yesterday about 461 times. sometimes it be like that

Do You Have Kids: yes one beautiful little tabby cat named faye, i adopted her in august and she’s 3 years old now and extremely annoying and also perfect

Do You Use Sarcasm A Lot: i used to a lot more but now i’m too paranoid abt people hating me and thinking i’m negative so i try not to

What’s the First Thing You Notice About Someone: if they’re a threat or not (either in the immediate physical sense, like seeing someone walking down the street towards me, or in the more complicated sense that i can’t be bothered getting into now and yes i’m aware this is a depressing answer)

Eye Color: dark green

Scary Movie or Happy Ending:  what a weird thing to juxtapose lmfao ig i’m a bit too much of a wimp to watch scary movies often so happy ending? i’m really not one to need happy endings in a movie/story though

Any Special Talents: I Cannot Stress Enough How Untalented I Am. anything that i’m good at is due to dedicating A LOT of time and practice to it.

Where Were You Born: toronto

Hobbies: video games are definitely my main hobby. other than like, listening to music and indulging in whatever obsession i currently have (like bts for instance) all i do is play video games. reading isn’t a hobby anymore, bc even though it occupies most of my time, it’s all for school

Pets: seems pretty redundant to ask about children and pets in one tag. but in addition to my own cat, my family also has a cat named chloe who is super gross but also i love her to death and i think she might actually be an angel. if you could not tell i am completely a cat person and plan on adopting 300

How Tall Are You: let’s go w the less pretentious answer of 5′4 this time even if it’s 0.25″ short of the truth

What Sports Do You Play/Have You Played: LMMMMAAAAOOOOOOOOOO DO I LOOK LIKE

Favorite Subject: i mean. english. obviously

Dream Job: since i already answered this let’s really get wild w the “dream” part of dream job. i would absolutely love to somehow become extremely rich through no work of my own, move to an isolated castle w a really big library, wifi, and like. idk an archery range and some stables w horses and a lot of cats and an incredibly hot gameskeeper that i have a passionate but somewhat detached love affair with. like i’m tryna live like a combination of enya and lady chatterley from lady chatterley’s lover except w/out the shitty husband and class critiques and soul-destroying ennui

HOO BOY i really wrote way too much huh. i’m too avoidant to tag ppl but if u read that whole mess i owe u my whole life thank u

[huahsu]

YEAR OF WHAT HAPPENS ON EARTH STAYS ON EARTH

[longer version of what I contributed to the new yorker’s year-end package. you can read that here, and listen to the accompanying megamix the video team made! links to previous year’s lists at bottom.] I did not grow up going to church, and I am not a particularly religious person. A few days after the inauguration, I wandered into a nearby church and took a seat in the back pews. I’d gone there right after the election. There was some time for anyone with anything on their mind to stand up and speak. If you need others to pray for you, just let us know. A middle-aged black man in a leather jacket got up and began telling us about an argument he was having with a friend on Facebook. It was about the election, but it was actually about the intractability of racism. He was getting frustrated while describing it to us, in part because he seemed to value being the cool and level-headed one. Plus he was describing the kind of argument millions of people were having on the Internet. “I just hope he finds peace,” the guy said. He paused, then put his hands on his chest. “On a lighter note, today would have been Jimi Hendrix’s seventy-fourth birthday.” He opened up his leather jacket to show everyone his Hendrix t-shirt. “I just wanted to say that, because he was just awesome.” So I returned here, the day after marching through Manhattan with a poster that said “HOLD ON, BE STRONG.” I needed to be in a room that was powered by something other than hate--to be reminded of vision and purpose, even if they weren’t mine to claim. To listen to wisdom gleaned from a book I’ve never read, and pick and choose what I wanted. To hear others pour themselves into songs I never, ever sing along to. I wanted to steal their vibes.  Instead of a hymn, they passed out small pieces of paper with the lyrics of John Lennon’s “Imagine.” This is not the type of church people come to for the music. The pianist started playing, and I remember thinking about how it felt like magic when I learned how to play those chords as a kid. I couldn’t believe we were doing this. We sang, tentatively at first, as though we could not believe these words in this space. Picture it: singing of “no heaven” and “no religion, too,” with humility and hope, inside a house of worship. It was like an admission that faith was inadequate. All we had was one another. “Imagine” is a song I’ve heard millions of times, the type of song that is so ubiquitous that we rarely bother scrutinizing its words, its vantage point, the possibility that someone wrote these words because he actually believed them. I sang along with a room of strangers, and we looked at one another, and, for the first time in months, I began to cry.   TWO LYRICS THAT REMINDED ME OF POLITICS EVEN IF THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH POLITICS "Wrote this shit January 21″ “Take me back to November / Take me back to November” “I’M AN ANGRY TEENAGER” Novelist, “Street Politician” ONCE THEY START, I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE END Jim O’Rourke’s recently unearthed cover of Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” Kanye’s sitcom-length remix of “Bed” THURSDAY NIGHTS ON NBC Ross from Friends’ very Madchester guitar-y Boiler Room set DJ Seinfeld, Time Spent Away from U Nino Man, Jadakiss and Styles P, “Friends”

IN ANOTHER YEAR FULL OF NIRVANA/KURT COBAIN REFERENCES (DID YOU SEE JAY:Z’S JACKET?) MY FAVORITE SONG, PROBABLY: this Trippie Redd snippet

SOME VERSIONS OF THE NINETIES THAT WILL NEVER COME BACK THE WAY GRUNGE ENNUI HAS, BUT WERE SO POSSIBILITY-RICH TO ME BACK THEN Kicking Giant, This Being the Ballad of Kicking Giant, Halo: NYC/Olympia 1989-1993 Helium, The Dirt of Luck/The Magic City LIKE MANY WHO LOVED “A STORM IN HEAVEN,” I OVERLOOKED THEM AT THE TIME Acetone, 1992-2001 A REALLY GOOD BOOK ABOUT ACETONE, LOS ANGELES, DREAMS OF GREATNESS Sam Sweet, Hadley Lee Lightcap WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS IN 1994, 2002 OR 2017 Big Thief, Capacity CREDIBLE AND DOPE EARLY NINETIES R&B HOMAGE, SAX AND ALL Joyce Wrice, “Good Morning” SPEAKING OF THE NINETIES, LEECH MADE A MIXTAPE OF JUST THE FLOATY/DREAMY PARTS TAKEN FROM CLASSIC GOOD LOOKING/MOVING SHADOW SINGLES Leech, “Just the Liquid” FOR THE COMEDOWN, DARK-ASS STUFF ASSEMBLED EXCLUSIVELY FROM SLIPKNOT SAMPLES Croww, Prosthetics NOSTALGIA, ULTRA (UK GARAGE/BASSLINE EDITION) tqd, ukg SUMMERTIME ‘SECOND SUMMER OF LOVE’ VIBE Opus III, “It’s a Fine Day (Burt Fox remix)” UNEXPECTED BURIAL SUMMERTIME VIBES Monic, “Deep Summer (Burial remix)” NO REISSUE OR  tk ANNIVERSARY TIE-IN, JUST SOME OLD SONGS I RE/DISCOVERED THIS YEAR Active Minds, “Hobson’s Choice” El-B, “El-Brand” Kamal Abdul Alim, “Brotherhood” Spiritualized in Reykjavik  U2, “Numb (Soul Assassins remix)” U2, “Mysterious Ways (Massive Attack remix)”

SAME, BUT TAIWANESE INDIE ROCK EDITION Chocolate Tiger, “Piecing Together” REISSUES, OR: PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN WEIRD AND SPACY#, OBSESSED WITH NATURAL BEAUTY## # Planetary Peace, Synthesis # Pauline Anna Strom, Trans-Millennia Music ## Pep Llopis, Poiemusia La Nau Dels Argonaut REISSUES, OR: WHEN I WAS A CHILD THERE WERE NO BETTER SONGS THAN THE ONES THAT PLAYED THROUGH TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE AND FOR SOME REASON THIS JOYOUS EP REMIND ME OF THAT SHEEN, THOSE HOOKS, THE PERFECT, THEATER-SIZED ECHO Om Alec Khaoli, Say You Love Me BEST ALBUM-LENGTH METAPHOR FOR THE CITY, ITS LIMITATIONS AND POSSIBILITIES Wiki, No Mountains In Manhattan SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE IT WAS DESCRIBED, JAMAICA VIA OUTER SPACE Equiknoxx, Colon Man I NEED TO GO OUT MORE Jex Opolis, “Mt. Belzoni” KH, “Question”

I LISTENED TO THIS ABOUT TEN TIMES, MY SENSE OF ENCHANTMENT GROWING AND GROWING EACH TIME, BEFORE REALIZING THERE WERE BARELY ANY DRUMS ON IT Mr. Mitch, Devout SERIOUSLY THE MR. MITCH ALBUM WAS REALLY MOVING AND FANTASTIC Mr. Mitch f/ Denai Moore, “Fate” CRAZY WISDOM MASTER Vince Staples, Big Fish Theory C’MON AND RAISE UP Rapsody f/ Kendrick, Lance Skiiwalker, “Power” SO ICEY Zomby, Mercury’s Rainbow ECHO PARTY Demen, Nektyr Evy Jane, “Give Me Love” THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST Vic Mensa, The Autobiography DUNGEON FAMILY, EVEN IN DARKNESS Earthgang f/ J.I.D., “Meditate” FUNNY HOW TIME SLIPS AWAY Lee Gamble, Mnestic Pressure Pessimist, s/t NOT SURE HOW THIS BECAME THE DIWALI OF 2017 BUT OKAY French Montana f/ Mariah, Rae Sremmurd, PNB Rock, Belly, Elephant Man, Vybz Kartel, J Balvin, NORE, Wizkid, “Unforgettable” HOW ARE THIS MANY PEOPLE ON A FOUR MINUTE SONG? GOOD VIDEO THOUGH A$AP Mob f/ A$AP Rocky, Playboi Carti, Quavo, Lil Uzi Vert and Frank Ocean, “RAF” I LIKE IT WHEN FERG’S VOICE GETS ALL NAGGY Ferg, “Plain Jane” METRO BOOMIN MADE A BEAT THAT REMINDED ME OF RADIOHEAD Post Malone f/ Quavo, “Congratulations” THE MARIACHI VERSION IS PRETTY SWEET Brian Imanuel, “How I surprised Post Malone with a mariachi band” ”IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR LYRICS, IF YOU’RE LOOKING TO CRY, IF YOU’RE LOOKING TO THINK ABOUT LIFE...” JonWayne, Rap Album Two CORNBALL PIANOS AND THEN THAT SYNTH DRAGS, AND THEN THE DRUMS KICK Tee Grizzley, “First Day Out” “BUT WILD/WITH MY MONOTONE STYLE” 21 Savage, “Bankroll” Kodak Black, “Candy Paint” Rich Chigga, “Glow Like Dat” ANNUAL SPOT RESERVED FOR LA MUSICA DE HARRY FRAUD French Montana f/ Pharrell, “Bring Dem Things” WHEN LAETITIA SAYS HER OWN NAME ON “EMBERS” Vagabon, Infinite Worlds WHEN JESSIE LEANS INTO THE WORD “FUCK” Jessie Reyez, “Figures” THAT LIGHT MISTING, THAT CASUAL SPRITZ OF SYNTHS Lanark Artefax, “Touch Absence” A GOOD ANTI-DJT THING THAT CAME OUT EARLY THIS YEAR, WHICH FEELS LIKE EONS AGO Lushlife + friends, My Idols are Dead + My Enemies are in Power THE BABY, THE FLUTES, PIERRE’S OBNOXIOUSLY LONG TAG, THE JESSE LINGARD DANCE Playboi Carti, “Magnolia” ILLEST SHIT I SAW THIS YEAR, BABY-RELATED A child at a restaurant watching an iPad and an iPhone at the same damn time “[FREE] PLAYBOI CARTI TYPE BEAT” YBN Nahmir, “Rubbin off the Paint” GUNS N ROSES, BEFORE ONE OF THE WEIRDEST BEEFS OF THE YEAR Trippie Redd f/ 6IX9INE, “POLES1469″ SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE YOU CAN SING, AND DO IT WITH CONVICTION, AND I WILL LISTEN Trippie Redd, “Rack City/Love Scars 2″ ALL THE BACKGROUND NOISE/ECHOED-OUT ADLIBS MAKE THIS BlocBoy JB, “No Chorus Pt 10″ SMERZ HAS FUN DESPITE THE AWKWARD OF IT ALL Smerz on NTS IT SEEMS REALLY EASY TO MAKE A GOOD-SOUNDING SONG THESE DAYS Global Dan, “Off White” OF ALL THE DOPE SHIT THAT FUTURE APPEARED ON THIS YEAR, THE MOMENT I WILL REMEMBER IS That tiny pause before he sings “I need fresh air,” when he seems happy and content IS THAT A GEORGE MICHAEL SAMPLE? Mozzy, “Prayed for This” THE FIX C Struggs, “Go to Jesus” "IT’S COOL, BUT IT’S NOT...END ZONE” Lil Uzi Vert, “XO TOUR Llif3″ AN ALBUM BOOKENDED BY TOTALLY DIFFERENT KINDS OF COLIN KAEPERNICK/TAKE A KNEE REFERENCES Miguel, War and Leisure IT WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR Brockhampton, Saturation I-III SZA, Ctrl SPEAKING OF SZA: WHAT A GREAT TITLE, BESIDES IT BEING ONE OF MY FAVORITE ALBUMS OF THE YEAR Kingdom, Tears in the Club THE KELELA ALBUM WAS LOVELY, AS ARE THESE Kelela x Bok Bok, Dub Me Apart A RANDOM YOUTUBE COVER THAT I ALSO LIKED, BECAUSE IT CAPTURED HOW MELODIC THE ORIGINAL ACTUALLY IS Kathleen Nguyen covering Kendrick and Zacari’s “Love.” DAMN. WAS GOOD Almost as good as “The Heart Part 4″ LIKE A DE LA SOUL ALBUM, SOMETHING THAT I KNOW I WILL CONTINUE ENJOYING/UNDERSTANDING ANEW FOR YEARS TO COME Tyler, the Creator, Flower Boy ”BLONDED RADIO” MADE ME JOIN APPLE MUSIC Frank Ocean, “Chanel” Frank Ocean, “Biking (solo)” Tyler and Frank, “Where This Flower Blooms” MACH HOMMY MAKES GOOD MUSIC THAT’S HARD TO ACCESS “x Earl Sweatshirt” EP ty Soundcloud IT’S A WEIRD TIME B/W THIS BEAT IS SO DEMENTED Tay-K, “The Race” PROBABLY MY FAVORITE PHARRELL BEAT Kap G f/ Pharrell, “Icha Gicha” MAYBE THE GREATEST MUSIC EVER MADE, REISSUED Pharoah Sanders

REMINDED ME OF PHAROAH, WHEN IT WASN’T REMINDING ME OF BON IVER Joseph Shabason, Aytche AND I ENJOYED AYTCHE FOR SIMILAR REASONS I LIKED ZONING OUT TO Tom Rogerson and Brian Eno, Finding Shore ANNUAL SLOT RESERVED FOR MUSIC I LOVED THAT FEATURED HARP Alice Coltrane, World Spirituality Classics Vol 1

SAME, BUT FOR HARP STUFF THAT ALSO SHOUTS OUT WAWA Mary Lattimore, Collected Pieces ANNUAL SLOT RESERVED FOR TASTEFUL VIBRAPHONE Jenifa Mayanja, “Warrior Strutt” YOU TRYING TO GET THE PIPE, TO PLAY IT, OF COURSE, AS PART OF AN EXPERIMENTAL COMPOSITION? Mary Jane Leach, Pipe Dreams THERE’S A MOMENT DURING THAT BAD BOY DOCUMENTARY CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP WHERE IT BECOMES CLEAR THAT EVERYONE WHO WORKS CLOSELY WITH DIDDY EVENTUALLY TURNS TO GOD, AND IT WAS LIKE THE STRANGE OBVERSE OF Jay Z et al, 4:44 footnotes 2016, BUT I SAT IN THE MET BREUER AND WATCHED THIS OVER AND OVER FOR ABOUT AN HOUR Arthur Jafa, “Love is the Message, The Message is Death” I WANT TO WATCH THE FULL FOUR HOURS OF THIS Dev Hynes talking to Philip Glass TRICKSTERY BUT KINDA MESMERIZING! Klein, Tommy Lolina, Lolita EP Hype Williams, Rainbow Edition “NOT ANOTHER GOT MORE SEOUL, UNLESS YOU KOREAN” (CHILLWAVE REMIX) Mogwaa, Deja Vu “THE TING GOES SKRRRAHH, PAP, PAP, KA-KA-KA/SKIDIKI-PAP-PAP, AND A PU-PU-PUDRRRR-BOOM/SKYA, DU-DU-KU-KU-DUN-DUN/POOM, POOM, YOU DON’ KNOW” Big Shaq, “Mans Not Hot” IBID., BUT “PERKY” Drake, More Life I WANTED TO LIKE THE WIZKID ALBUM MORE, BUT THIS WAS AWESOME Tiwa Savage f/ Wizkid and Spellz, “Ma Lo” LISTENED TO THIS QUITE A FEW TIMES SIMPLY BECAUSE ”BREAKING NEWS: WILD GOAT ON THE LOOSE” IS A WEIRD LINE Lancey Foux f/ AJ Tracey, Kojey Radical and Jevon, “Wild Goat” UNITED TIL I DIE BUT AJ TRACEY’S TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR KIT LAUNCH FREESTYLE HAD ME BUZZZZZZIN AJ Tracey, “False 9″ DIFFERENT TIME OF DAY, KINDA LEFT ME SPEECHLESS Grouper, “Children” Colleen, A Flame my love, a frequency Kara Lis Coverdale, Grafts Ryuichi Sakamoto, async LEFT RYUICHI SAKAMOTO ENVIOUS Metaphors: Selected Soundworks from the Cinema of Apichatpong Weerasethakul FROM OMNI TRIO TO THIS, A PRETTY VISIONARY CAREER Robert Haigh, Creatures of the Deep A SONG THAT FEATURED TWO PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE PRETTY BIG IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF YEARS DJDS f/ Amber Mark and Marco McKinnis, “Trees on Fire” LIKE, THIS IS GREAT Amber Mark, “Lose My Cool” AWESOME YEAR FOR POTIONS Social Lovers, “Drop Me a Line” Boss, “Song for Gods” WHISKED ME BACK TO MEMORIES OF the enormous room Joakim, “Samurai” Calvin Harris f/ Frank Ocean and Migos, “Slide” Amp Fiddler, “I’m Feeling You” Chaos in the CBD, Accidental Meetings LIKE FALLING ASLEEP ON THE SUBWAY, OR A TRUCK HITTING A POTHOLE AND SPITTING OUT A RECORD COLLECTION, OR HEARING A NANOSECOND OF BRAND NUBIAN THROUGH SOMEONE’S HEADPHONES AS YOU PASS THEM ON THE STREET, IT’S A VIBE Standing on the Corner, Red Burns MIKE’S A SAVIOR Mike 1. I SPENT A LOT OF TIME THIS YEAR THINKING ABOUT THE STRENGTH, ELASTICITY, FRAGILITY, GRAIN OF THE HUMAN VOICE AND SOME OF THIS WAS TOTALLY NECESSARY AND SUBLIME Deep Throat Choir, Be Ok Diamanda Galas, All the Way Moses Sumney, Aromanticism 2. SO ACHINGLY GOOD AND INTIMATE, ESPECIALLY THAT FAINT CROAK IN THE FIRST CHORUS Rostam f/ Kelly Zutrau, “Half-Light” 3. OF COURSE THESE WORLD-MAKERS TOO Bjork, Utopia Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith, The Kid Valerie June, “Astral Plane” 3a. A STRANGE PROPOSITION THAT I ENDED UP ADORING KAS covering Sade’s "By Your Side" THE BAY AREA IS JUST DIFFERENT Droop-E, Trillionaire Thoughts Lil B, Black Ken THE “BUILD YOU UP” VIDEO WAS FUN AND ALL BUT I’M REALLY GLAD THIS WASN’T THAT Kamiayah, Before I Wake THE BAY TO L.A. AND BACK AGAIN Mozzy f/ G Perico, “Blammatory” G Perico f/ Mozzy, “What’s Real” GYEAH MC Eiht, Which Way Iz West OUTRUN THE BEAT SOB x RBE, “Lane Changing 2″ BANDS THAT ALWAYS SOUND LIKE THEMSELVES, IN WAYS THAT I FIND COMFORTING the xx, I See You King Krule, The Ooz SAME AS ABOVE, MIDDLE-AGED DIVISION The Feelies, In Between Slowdive, “Star Roving” SOMEONE WHO SOUNDS LIKE NO ONE ELSE Jlin, Black Origami THE NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM Dreezy f/ 6LACK and Kodak Black, “Spar” I LOOKED UP EACH TIME THIS CAME ON THE SHUFFLE Shanti Celeste, “Loop One/Selector”

PROBABLY MY FAVORITE SONG GoldLink f/ Brent Faiyaz and Shy Glizzy, “Crew” OR MAYBE Jorja Smith x Preditah, “On My Mind” THIS WAS SICK TOO GoldLink & Co. covering Outkast’s “Roses” MAYBE THE BEST SONG J Hus, “Did You See”

ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER YEAR WHERE MY FAVORITE RELEASE WAS PROBABLY FROM YAEJI, THE “GLASSES FOGGING UP” LINE WAS VERY RELATABLE Yaeji, EP2 THE SONG OF THE SPRING, SUMMER, WINTER   I MEAN, IT’S WAYNE’S WORLD, WE JUST LIVE IN IT ### SIKH DEVOTIONAL MUSIC :: 2016 SPOOKY BLACK :: 2015

[boy-at-a-bus-stop]

Here it is, the third chapter, my favorite chapter so far. I enjoyed writing it and i hope you’ll enjoy reading it. I also hope it’s not too boring for your taste and that there are not too many typos / grammar mistakes…

Three

The warm sun on my skin woke me up the next morning. When I opened my eyes I was confused at first but after a bit I remembered what had been going on the night before. I slowly got up, not really wanting to leave the warmth and comfort Josh’s bed was providing. I took a look at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It said 11:30 am. How the hell had I been sleeping that long?

I’m normally not the person to sleep that long. I wouldn’t say i’m an early bird, but sleeping till 11:30? That’s a waste of lifetime. This also made me wonder why Josh hadn’t woken me up. If it was him sleeping in my bed I would definitely have woken him up earlier. I finally got out of bed and left the bedroom. The bathroom was empty, and so was the kitchen. I walked into the living room but Josh wasn’t there either. I took a look around the room, wondering what was going on. Had he left for somewhere? I didn’t think he would just have left without leaving a note or something like that. But there was no Josh and no note to be seen in the living room.

The drinking glasses we had used the day before were still standing on the small table, the cushions on the sofa were lying there just the way I had left them. Then I saw something outside of one of the open windows, in the bottom right corner to be exact, and as I walked closer I realized that what I had seen was a bit of Josh’s hair. He was sitting outside on the stairs of the fire escape, enjoying the sunshine and smoking a cigarette. He must have heard me coming closer because he turned around and greeted me with a small but friendly smile.

“Good morning! So you’re finally awake?!“ I blinked a few times, my eyes had to get used to the bright sunlight. Even though it was February it was relatively warm and the sun shined just like it did in June. “Well, it’s not really morning anymore… but at least I’m out of bed”, I mumbled.“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Josh looked at me, confused, “Well, there was no need to waken you, so I thought i’d just let you…Should I have woken you up? I’m sorry if…” “No, no, it’s alright. I was just wondering if it doesn’t bother you having me around… sleeping in your bed all day… I just don’t want to bother you, you know?”, I said interrupting his speech.

His gorgeous smile returned to his face as I said that. “Oh, you’re not bothering me… Also, you look kinda cute when you’re sleeping…” His last comment made me blush and as he saw me blush, Josh blushed himself. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said this… now I sound like some creepy stalker… oh god, it sounds as if I had been sitting next to the bed all night, i’m sorry…”, he mumbled, looking down. I laughed at his comment about sounding like a stalker. But yeah, the thought of him sitting next to the bed watching me sleep all night definitely was creepy. Like in this song by Sting, “Every breath you take”…

“No it’s okay, I swear…”, I said, trying to comfort him a bit. “…I actually find it… cute that you said that…” Josh now looked back up but blushed even more. “Where’s John?”, I quickly asked, trying to diffuse the awkwardness that filled the air by changing the topic. “He left… he called himself a taxi about two hours after you went to bed.” The silence between the two of us lasted a few minutes and to my surprise it was Josh who broke it. “So, you had a good night’s sleep? Do you find my bed comfortable?” His question made me laugh a bit, then I answered, “Yes, it’s very comfy and it smells like heaven, I guess that’s why I slept this long… How about you? How long did you sleep?” It seemed to be the wrong question to ask because Josh seemed to become bitter all of a sudden. “Not at all”, was all he responded. He looked away, staring at the other buildings and the street underneath us.

“Aren’t you tired then?”, I asked cautiously, trying to keep the conversation alive and guide it in a different direction without being too direct about it. “No, i’m used to this… it just happens from time to time, but it’s not that bad. I’m good ”, he responded, forcing the smile back on his face but it was just too obvious something bothered him. I wanted to know more about it, about what was going on here, about what bothered him and about why he couldn’t sleep, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask. It was obvious he’d rather not talk about it and I didn’t consider myself in a position to have the right to know what was going on. “Shouldn’t we be in the studio, by the way?”, I quickly changed topics, hoping to make both of us feel better in this situation. “I called Bob and told him that we wouldn’t come to record today” “What did he do? Shout at you? Or did he throw his cellphone at the wall?”, I giggled, trying to bring the good atmosphere back and having the picture clear in mind. To my relief Josh seemed to be a bit at ease again. “No, to my surprise he didn’t! He just told me it was okay and he’d see us tomorrow… crazy times” he laughed, then he stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray he held in his hand. He stood up from the stairs he had been sitting on and signaled me to move away from the open window so that he could climb back in. “One could say so. But… if we, or better said you, won’t record anything today… what are we going to do all day, then?”, I asked, unsure. “Or would you prefer it if I went home and left you alone?”, I quickly added when I noticed that I had just assumed he wanted me around. Josh walked towards the kitchen as I was saying this and stopped at the non-existent door to answer my question. “Um.. well, if you don’t have any plans yourself… i’d suggest we just stay here, I don’t really feel like leaving the apartment to be honest… but i’d love to have your company.” He disappeared into the kitchen as if he was fleeing from my reaction. Even though he was out of sight I was sure he had blushed and this thought itself made me giggle. “And i’d love to keep you company!”, I half - yelled to make sure he heard me.

So Josh and I stayed in his apartment all day long. The fire escape was the farthest we went, climbing in and out through the window every now and then, but most times we just stayed in the living room. We ordered pizza and watched a few movies - Josh had a few video cassettes, mostly old gangster movies both of us had already seen but we watched them anyways - talked a bit about our favorite movies and books. “I guess you like to read, don’t you? I mean, you have a lot of books in your bedroom”, I said as we had talked the topic of movies to death already, “Yeah, I do, but I don’t read as much as it looks like… I think I haven’t finished about half the books in my bedroom yet. I’m good at starting books but most of the time, I loose interest after a bit and just put the books aside and if the book’s lucky I finish reading it a few weeks, sometimes months, later. And sometimes the books never get to tell me the end of their stories. But I do enjoy it, yeah”, he said as he searched for a CD to play next. We had already listened to Pink Floyd’s album “Wish you were here” after watching all the movies. “I know that problem! I usually start reading a book, then I put it aside for a few months, then I read the ending and if I like the ending I read the whole book in one go”, I explained. I wasn’t joking, this is really how I do it. Most people ask me why I’d read a books ending before I read the story itself - “doing this spoils the whole story!” or “books aren’t meant to be read this way, this destroys the authors hard work” are the things most people say if I tell them about my way of reading books. I think the reason why I read like this is that I can’t handle all the tension that’s slowly built up if you read a book from beginning to end. I get so emotionally involved in these stories that I can’t handle it if I don’t know the way it all turns out in the end. And I don’t even want a happy end in every book, I don’t mind if the book doesn’t end well, this really doesn’t matter to me at all. I just need to know it beforehand. “Uh, yeah, I do that too sometimes, reading the ending of a book before I read the rest…”, Josh now said, still looking for a CD. It wasn’t surprising that he didn’t find what he wanted right away: he had a shitload (I’m allowed to cuss here, right?) of CDs and all of them were just randomly piled up in one corner of the living room. “What are you looking for?”, I asked, getting up from the sofa and walking over to him to help him. Four eyes see more than two, right? “Wait! I found it! Here it is, one of my favorites. Don’t look, you’ll know what it is when you hear it!”, Josh responded, stopping me in my tracks. “Oh, okay…”, I just said, a bit confused, as I walked back to the sofa I had already been laying on yesterday and sat down. Just a few seconds later he had put the CD in the CD-player and the music started. Within the first few seconds I had a suspicion on what this was. “Radiohead?”, I asked, not a hundred percent sure. Josh turned around, an unsure expression on his face himself. “Yeah, Radiohead… But, uhm, if you don’t like it or you’d prefer to listen to something else..” I cut him off and explained,“No, it’s great, I like Radiohead a lot! I just wasn’t sure whether it really was Radiohead.” So for the next 53 minutes and 21 seconds we listened to Ok Computer, me still sitting on the sofa, Josh sitting on the floor in front of his shelf stereo with his legs crossed. He occasionally hummed along to songs and sometimes he would even quietly sing along to some of them. He’d just sing quietly to himself but it was still loud enough for me to hear it. And the more I heard the more I understood why Bob wanted Josh to sing backing vocals for their record.

“Bob told me he wants you to do backing vocals for your record, but he’s afraid you wouldn’t want to do it”, I stated shortly after “The Tourist” had finished. Josh sighed, “Yeah, he spoke to me about it. And if he thinks I don’t want to do it he’s damn right, I don’t want to and I won't” “Why not? Why don’t you just try and see what happens?”, I suggested. “No, no, you don’t understand, I can’t do this, this would be horrible, I just can’t sing, and my voice sounds awful,” he responded, a shocked expression on his face. “You can sing, and your voice is good! Do you really believe that Bob would want you to sing on an album, on his album, if it was awful? I mean, come on, he’s your friend, right? He wouldn’t lie to you. You know him. And I wouldn’t lie to you either. Why not just try it?”, I sat up on the sofa, looking at him with a soft smile on my face. I didn’t want him to feel pressured, but I felt like I just had to encourage him to at least try. Josh didn’t respond and didn’t look at me for a few minutes. I really thought I had just destroyed the good atmosphere with these few words I had said. Just when I wanted to speak again he looked up at me, “You know what? You’re probably right… I should give it a try. It’s just… I hate my voice, I always have and I can’t imagine this turning out well. I just don’t want to embarrass myself…” “You won’t, I’m sure. You can do this. I know you can”, I now said in a low voice, giving him a reassuring smile. He looked down at his hands again, blushing slightly. An awkward silence filled the room as both of us had no clue about what to say next. I finally decided to leave the room for a second and went to the kitchen. “I’ll just get myself some more water… Do you need anything?”, I said in an effort to bring the relaxed atmosphere back. “No I’m good, thank you”, Josh responded as I walked into the kitchen.

This time my plan worked out. By the time I returned to the living room Josh was sitting outside on the stairs of the fire escape again. I climbed outside through the window and sat down next to him. “Do you know what most smokers say when they want to go outside to smoke a cigarette?”, Josh asked me as he looked at the burning cigarette he held in this hand. “I guess you’ll tell me”, I responded. He looked at me with a grin on his face, laughing at his own joke. “'I need to get some fresh air!‘”, he said and added, “Isn’t this ironic? You say you need to get some fresh air but you really just want to inhale more or less toxic chemicals!” I had to laugh at his joke even though it wasn’t even that funny, it was quite lame to be honest, but he was so adorable as he told it, I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, you’re right!”, I said, giggling. I looked over at Josh and for once he didn’t look away immediately but held eye contact with me for a few seconds, still an amused smile on his face. And for these few seconds it seemed to me like time was standing still, like my heart had stopped beating, but not in this scary “shit I don’t wanna die”- way but in a way that made me feel like I had all the time in the world and all the possibilities in the world, like there was nothing and no one to stop me or harm me, there was no one who intended to hurt me and there was no one who could do so even if they wanted to. I felt so safe and at peace with myself, I felt like the whole world was home to me. I felt like this for as long as his brown eyes stared into mine and our souls connected. He looked away eventually and we both started staring at our own feet again, but I just knew that things would never be the same between us, at least for me.

“I need some fresh air as well…”, I finally stated, holding my hand out at Josh. He looked confused at first but after a few minutes his face lit up as he got my hint and gave me a cigarette and his lighter. “Thanks”, I said, lit up the cigarette and took a drag. I hadn’t smoked in a few weeks because I had intended to stop smoking but I just felt like I needed some nicotine right in this moment. I gave the lighter back to him and looked inside through the open window. We were both silent for a few minutes before Josh started to speak again. He just started talking, he didn’t ask me anything. He talked about everything that came to his mind – about how he met Bob for the first time, about his friends and his parents. I liked listening. We sat on the stairs for a lot longer, Josh just kept on talking, I kept on listening, asking questions every now and then.

We talked about our early experiences with music, I told him about my Dad’s early musical endeavors and all the things that happened in his life before I had been born. Josh told me about his first drum set, his first concert and how he once stole his mom’s credit card so that he and his best friend could go to a Pearl Jam concert when they were 13 or 14. He talked about his feelings about finally recording something, he said that he was glad to finally be able to really do something, record songs and make new experiences, gain confidence and maybe even get a foot into the heavy door that led to a career in the music business. We talked some more about our childhood, he told me that it had always been clear to him that he wanted to spend his life playing music. He said he had never even thought about it, it had just been clear to him since his early childhood and it became even clearer the very first time he had held drum sticks in his hands when he was nine.

“I think the thing my parents don’t get is that I was aware of the risk I was taking when I quit school. I think they believe I just thought I’d become a ‘rock star’ - or whatever you want to call it -  over night, but that’s not true. I don’t even want to be famous, it’s just not what I’m aiming for in my life. But I knew that I wanted to play music, and playing music is the one thing I need in my life in order to be happy. So when I quit school I was a hundred percent sure that I was doing the right thing and I still am a hundred percent sure about that. And by the time I quit school I was aware that I probably wouldn’t be able to get a ‘normal’, well paying job but I also was sure that I don’t even want to get a 'normal’, well paying job. So I decided to close this door that lead to a 'normal’ life and instead open another door even though I could only guess what was waiting for me behind it. And I still have no clue to be honest… I don’t know what will happen in my life, but that’s the thing: no matter how many plans you make in your life and how safe your future seems to be at one point in your life, there will always be things you can’t control and can’t prepare for, so in the end no one will ever know what will happen in their life, no matter if they dropped out of high school or got a master’s degree or something. So when I have to choose between a seemingly 'safe’ path that I know won’t make me happy and another path that seems to be more risky but is also more likely to lead me to happiness eventually, i’ll always choose my personal happiness over financial stability… Even if that might seem stupid or foolish to some people”, he said when I asked him about why he took such a big risk at such a young age and quit school at 15. I loved the way he talked about these things, how he held these seemingly endless monologues. One could know from the way he spoke about things if he was passionate about them, if he wanted to have this conversation. He explained things in a very detailed way, in a very interesting way, it was fun to just sit there and listen. It made me feel good because I knew he wouldn’t do that if he didn’t feel comfortable around someone and it made me happy to know that he felt comfortable around me. I didn’t know why but I just wanted him to feel comfortable, I wanted him to know I cared about what he had to say. I deeply cared. I cared about him as a person, as a friend.

“I got one question that got stuck in my head yesterday…”, I started when we were having dinner. Having dinner in this case meant eating pizza with our hands while sitting on the stairs of the fire escape and enjoying the view. “Yeah?”, Josh looked up from his food, he seemed unsure but interested. “It’s nothing personal, it’s just… Don’t your neighbors get mad if you’re playing music all the time? I mean, when you play drums in your living room, don’t they get annoyed by all the noise?” Josh graced me with one of his gorgeous smiles and answered, “Sometimes they do complain, but most of the time they don’t mind. I usually play during the daytime, so it’s not really a problem, plus my landlord supports my musical efforts, he sometimes even comes over to talk about music with me…” I grinned, “Seems like he wants to be able to say 'See, I was right, I told you he’d make it, there you have it, I was right’ when you’re topping the charts one day” Josh blushed a bit but still smiled at me, “I doubt that will ever happen, though…”, he mumbled. “As you said before, you never know what will happen in your life”, I said in a tone that didn’t tell if I was being serious or not.

I enjoyed the day, I really did. I enjoyed talking with Josh, hearing his voice made me feel good, and he had interesting stories to tell. As I said before, I like the way he talks. You can feel that he thinks about every single word he says before he actually says it, that he’s always trying to find the right words, words that are capable of expressing exactly what he thought of. I like that. But I wasn’t sure if Josh enjoyed it to be completely honest. He did seem relaxed and was very talkative, he even made some jokes, but still, I wasn’t sure if he really liked spending time with me or if he just did it because he wanted to be polite and friendly. You’re probably all thinking “what’s her fucking problem? Why would he do that?” but the thing is, this is just something I picked up, a habit, a thinking pattern if you will, I always doubt if people actually like me. And I think everyone does that to a certain extend, I mean in the end you never know if a person actually likes you or if they’re just really good actors, but well, I tend to overdo it a little bit sometimes. I know that I overdo it, but I just can’t help it. I don’t know where this comes from.

The day went by quickly and soon I found myself standing outside Josh’s apartment door. “Um, so, I guess i’ll see you tomorrow then, right?”, he said in a low voice, still kind of shy. “Yeah, at the studio”, I stated the obvious. “Great, um… it’s been fun, having you around I mean…”, he mumbled, looking at his feet. He seemed to be back to his normal shy self. “Yeah, it’s been great, occupying your apartment for two days, bed and bathroom and all”, I responded, trying to lighten up the mood a bit. It worked, Josh’s smile was back and made my heart melt. Silence filled the space between us. “Okay then… goodnight!”, I said and turned around to leave but I didn’t get far. All of a sudden I felt Josh’s hand on my arm so I turned around again to face him, a bit surprised. “Um, Ally?” “Yeah?” “Could… could I maybe… would you be so nice to… would you mind if… Could you give me your phone number? Please?”, he stuttered, blushing and shifting from one foot to the other nervously. I gave him a warm smile, trying to tell him there was no need to be nervous without using words. “Yeah, but only if I get yours in return”, I laughed, got my cellphone out of my bag and gave it to him for him to save his phone number on it. He did the same and I saved my number on his cellphone. “Thanks”, was all he mumbled when I gave it back to him. “Thank you for asking”, I said, then I turned around and left. “Goodnight!”, I heard Josh say as I walked down the stairs and left the building.

[edamamefiend]

6 . 25 . 36 . 38 . 87 . 93 . 99.

thank u so much ily

6.  do you keep plants?

i do, theyre all in my old room though. i don’t remember how many, its been a while since i’ve been in there for more than a few minutes, but i know there’s upwards of 20

25.  what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

i don’t really break into many places i’m kinda boring, but i have had to break into my own house before. i don’t know if it counts but i also sometimes climb onto roofs in the middle of the night just to chill

36. which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

idk tbh maybe lorde but like buzzcut season or liability?

38. tell us about your pet peeves!

i don’t really know how to phrase this any other way but when people are being mad extra, like just going out of their way for no damn reason. or like when you’re smoking w someone and you pass the j and they just hold it for a brick and a half while they’re talking but they don’t hit it and it just burns forever and then it goes out and theres like nothing left, like that actually gets me tight as fuck. i also really hate when people scratch paper, like nails on a chalkboard is like whatever but nails on a sheet of paper will actually make me gag.

87. what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

edge of seventeen is really good i just watched it the other day and it was just good??? the one from the 90s not the new one. ummm requiem for a dream is so good but i genuinely don’t think i’ll be able to watch it again for another few years like its pretty fucked. the virgin suicides is pretty good, ummm gone girl, mirror mask, okja, and its kind of a beautiful day

93. what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

i usually wear my hair up in a bun, alex gave me an undercut so now even if i don’t give a shit about how my hair looks you can’t tell

99. list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

salad days by mac demarco

no surprises by radiohead

don’t look back in anger by oasis

only you by yaz

pisces by riz la vie